Of Course There's No Snow In Africa, You Idiots.

Yes, I mean you Bono. You and Boy George, and Phil Collins.

Especially Phil Collins. Idiot.

Once a year for a few weeks, I live in a blind rage. The Snow In Africa song is the reason for this. Of COURSE there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas, morons, because

a)It's Africa. It's jungles and deserts. Oh wait, unless you go to the mountains, there's snow there. Is that what you want, Band-Aid? A buch of freezing African children? It's not enough that they're starving? That's cruel, Phil Collins... cruel.

b)It's not fucking Christmas. I mean, for some people it is, sure... Christmas is a Christian holiday, and the Africans who do have Christmas are going to be fine. And there's a lot of them too-- sooo many huts built in exchange for some baptisms and bible reading... those Christians, we already made sure they know it's Christmas, because we're the ones that told them it was. Further, they're going to know it's Christmas because it's a national holiday there. Those that aren't are also going to be fine. They'll have the same famine tomorrow, because you all got together in a recording studio and made one of the worst songs of all time instead of each chipping in your coke money for the month (have you ever noticed how many people famous for coke problems specifically took part in that Band-Aid moment? White Christmas, yo). That could have fed those non-Christians through several more years of arbitrary holidays. And don't you stand there and tell me about song proceeds...

I mean, seriously. Have you heard that song?

That said, this holiday is about so much more to me... it's about the fucking Christmas lists. Christmas lists are a strange thing for me int he randomness with which I am able to come to a gift conclusion. And I have a list of completed shopping, I do.

-My best friend in New York
-My Internet cosmic soul-mate
-My ex boyfriend and his girlfriend
-My father who I haven't seen in 6 months who lives in the same town as me.
-My AA sponsor (What? It's never come up before. Relax Dad, you haven't even seen me in 6 months)

These are people who I one day woke up and said "Christmas is coming. Oh hey, you know what I should get for (insert name here)?"

But there's that other list too.

-My best friend in California
-My actual soul-mate, who I am not speaking to
-My other ex boyfriend and his boyfriend
-My daughters father, who must require something from her, right?
-My daughter herself. I was going to get her a Littlest Pet-shop and a Barbie (I'm a size 1 with a D cup, unrealistic body image issues do not apply in our house unless you want me to wear a box around her). The way things are looking lately, however, I'm torn between a flask, a my little pony switchblade, and The Bad Girls Guide To Dating.

God bless us, every one. Even those poooor lost souls in Africa.