I am sunburned. My daughter is sunburned.
And?
Well, it's March. This is the best sunburn EVER.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Friday, March 16, 2012
"I'm Bored"? Well, I'm boring. Or creepily maternal-- whatever.
I had a friend point out today that I have not blogged in forever and she finds that boring. Which is fair and accurate, and the truth is I'm probably not as boring as I think lately-- and I'm glad that my friends know that even when I don't.
That being said... in school, in the most god forsaken 190 poetry class full of borderline illiterate proofs that my school is not a real school, I have to write when told about what is going on right then. And the truth is, I used to keep a blog just to make sure I would write every day, shamelessly, just to go through the motion of stating what is happening or what I am thinking, for perspective (A little too much perspective, which to this day people have not laughed at). Why have I not done that lately? Because I don't wan t perspective because I've made peace with the sadness and coldness of my relationship partner? Maybe. Because when I write catty things about people who dick me over they end up with hurt feelings because someone told them to go read my blog and I become the bad guy? Defs. Because I want to make cold mean jokes all the time that don't translate as well in type and just make me look (more) like a cold hearted bitch ? Omigod, absolutely. Because as she gets older I realize more and more that people don't want to hear about how my kid did the cutest thing? Beyond a shadow of a doubt.
But, as it happens, when my friend suggested I blog (and by suggested I mean posted a very direct command to my facebook wall in somehow the cutest way ever), I had already been thinking about blogging. I had been making my bed and thinking about how by time I've found a willing father that I would want to have babies with and gotten to a place that it would be reasonable to have another child, I will be about 37 years old. Which with all due respects, is not a desirable baby-having age for me.
What I am saying is, I will never have another child.
And, though I never wanted to be a mother to begin with, though my life with my daughter has been disaster after disaster of single motherhood simply because sometimes that's what single motherhood is, at some point in the past couple of years I find myself thinking that I would do it all over again. Well no, not the poor thing. Or the single motherhood disasters thing. Or the breastfeeding for fucking ever thing. Or the letting my child decide themselves if they want to be an introvert or not because she is who she is to the degree that I have (and who she is, turns out? TOTALLY antisocial, and as a side note, in no way interested in learning how to swim, dance, play an instrument, or any other activity that involves anything besides drawing pictures, cuddling, watching the cartoons I grew up on, or reading: Which admittedly I think is every bit as awesome as I am concerned that it may be unhealthy) . But in later years that I would have liked, I realized that I'm sorry I didn't know I loved motherhood-- and I didn't know it would be too late before I figured it out.
But there is also another thing I know-- I don't reallllly want it. I think I do, but what I want is to have done it the first time now, when I have the people in my life that I do now instead of when I was so all alone. There are several people close to me, as well as several more I know just a little but who are close to people I love and trust enough to assume makes these people amazing too by proxy. And, I wish I had a chance to have shared my pregnancy and first years of motherhood the way I can't wait to share theirs. I never had a baby shower. When I was in the throes of some very severe postpartum hysteria (it's a real thing and it depends largely on support systems and other such circumstances), I never got to call anyone in the middle of the night to say "I'm so happy I have this little girl" when I was suddenly struck by how extreme a love for your own child can be, or "I feel like I could stick my head in the oven right now if I have to be awake nursing for another second" when I was overwhelmed by every single thing that every single day consisted of anymore. I wish I'd gotten to see my best friends holding my daughter and crying with me and laughing with me as she grew. And, when I see how much I am going to get to be a part of with my friends, I have this horrible self centered moment now and again where before I think "Oh this is exciting", I think "We never had this. I did it all wrong." And it passes extremely quickly, and it doesn't happen all the time, but every now and again I think (mistakenly) that my life was different in such a way that I would still have time for another child.
In short, I do not want to have another child. Not at all. I want to have this child, the one I never expected or wanted, under different circumstances, with all of the beautiful people I have around me now there to be part of it. And when I start to think about that, I miss what is much more important: That the mothers I know and love, pending and current, are in my life now, and I get to be a part of what I didn't have. And as my daughter sees that as she and the 6 different babies that are going to be bore in the next year grow older and older, she is going to learn what it is to be a woman and a mother... and a good girlfriend. And one day, when she finds herself in a family way under whatever circumstances, favorable or not, she will have those kinds of relationships. She will still have what I lament having not had for her in the beginning, hopefully. She will learn have what I still have so many years to teach her matters.
She will have a fucking village of women to be there for as much as to have there for her.
And I love all of my girlfriends. My absolute best and most cherished girlfriends are, I'm pretty sure, never planning on being pregnant or mothers, and what our bond is is something superhuman but not about motherhood. But there's a different bond I feel right now for my pregnant friends, this little secret that just we know. And I love that I have them now and get to watch them become mothers, (sometimes again) and be reminded all over myself of what at a cheesy beautiful fucking Icouldthrowupinmyowmmouthathowi'macting mess of joy and heartache and hope it is. And just like my daughter, this is a new phase in my life: The phase where the women around me are having babies.
And shame on me for not before this blog fully appreciating how absolutely sincerely delightful and beautiful it is that I get to be witness to it-- and, honestly, that seeing the beauty of parenthood doesn't have to involve me doing it again.
And to one of these women, the (pregnant-- I didn't mention that, did I?) friend who demanded this sappy horrible god awful blog... you're right. I'm not normally that boring. Don't you kind of wish I was now?
Ohh. There's no emoticons in my blog. Here is hoping this will do. <3
That being said... in school, in the most god forsaken 190 poetry class full of borderline illiterate proofs that my school is not a real school, I have to write when told about what is going on right then. And the truth is, I used to keep a blog just to make sure I would write every day, shamelessly, just to go through the motion of stating what is happening or what I am thinking, for perspective (A little too much perspective, which to this day people have not laughed at). Why have I not done that lately? Because I don't wan t perspective because I've made peace with the sadness and coldness of my relationship partner? Maybe. Because when I write catty things about people who dick me over they end up with hurt feelings because someone told them to go read my blog and I become the bad guy? Defs. Because I want to make cold mean jokes all the time that don't translate as well in type and just make me look (more) like a cold hearted bitch ? Omigod, absolutely. Because as she gets older I realize more and more that people don't want to hear about how my kid did the cutest thing? Beyond a shadow of a doubt.
But, as it happens, when my friend suggested I blog (and by suggested I mean posted a very direct command to my facebook wall in somehow the cutest way ever), I had already been thinking about blogging. I had been making my bed and thinking about how by time I've found a willing father that I would want to have babies with and gotten to a place that it would be reasonable to have another child, I will be about 37 years old. Which with all due respects, is not a desirable baby-having age for me.
What I am saying is, I will never have another child.
And, though I never wanted to be a mother to begin with, though my life with my daughter has been disaster after disaster of single motherhood simply because sometimes that's what single motherhood is, at some point in the past couple of years I find myself thinking that I would do it all over again. Well no, not the poor thing. Or the single motherhood disasters thing. Or the breastfeeding for fucking ever thing. Or the letting my child decide themselves if they want to be an introvert or not because she is who she is to the degree that I have (and who she is, turns out? TOTALLY antisocial, and as a side note, in no way interested in learning how to swim, dance, play an instrument, or any other activity that involves anything besides drawing pictures, cuddling, watching the cartoons I grew up on, or reading: Which admittedly I think is every bit as awesome as I am concerned that it may be unhealthy) . But in later years that I would have liked, I realized that I'm sorry I didn't know I loved motherhood-- and I didn't know it would be too late before I figured it out.
But there is also another thing I know-- I don't reallllly want it. I think I do, but what I want is to have done it the first time now, when I have the people in my life that I do now instead of when I was so all alone. There are several people close to me, as well as several more I know just a little but who are close to people I love and trust enough to assume makes these people amazing too by proxy. And, I wish I had a chance to have shared my pregnancy and first years of motherhood the way I can't wait to share theirs. I never had a baby shower. When I was in the throes of some very severe postpartum hysteria (it's a real thing and it depends largely on support systems and other such circumstances), I never got to call anyone in the middle of the night to say "I'm so happy I have this little girl" when I was suddenly struck by how extreme a love for your own child can be, or "I feel like I could stick my head in the oven right now if I have to be awake nursing for another second" when I was overwhelmed by every single thing that every single day consisted of anymore. I wish I'd gotten to see my best friends holding my daughter and crying with me and laughing with me as she grew. And, when I see how much I am going to get to be a part of with my friends, I have this horrible self centered moment now and again where before I think "Oh this is exciting", I think "We never had this. I did it all wrong." And it passes extremely quickly, and it doesn't happen all the time, but every now and again I think (mistakenly) that my life was different in such a way that I would still have time for another child.
In short, I do not want to have another child. Not at all. I want to have this child, the one I never expected or wanted, under different circumstances, with all of the beautiful people I have around me now there to be part of it. And when I start to think about that, I miss what is much more important: That the mothers I know and love, pending and current, are in my life now, and I get to be a part of what I didn't have. And as my daughter sees that as she and the 6 different babies that are going to be bore in the next year grow older and older, she is going to learn what it is to be a woman and a mother... and a good girlfriend. And one day, when she finds herself in a family way under whatever circumstances, favorable or not, she will have those kinds of relationships. She will still have what I lament having not had for her in the beginning, hopefully. She will learn have what I still have so many years to teach her matters.
She will have a fucking village of women to be there for as much as to have there for her.
And I love all of my girlfriends. My absolute best and most cherished girlfriends are, I'm pretty sure, never planning on being pregnant or mothers, and what our bond is is something superhuman but not about motherhood. But there's a different bond I feel right now for my pregnant friends, this little secret that just we know. And I love that I have them now and get to watch them become mothers, (sometimes again) and be reminded all over myself of what at a cheesy beautiful fucking Icouldthrowupinmyowmmouthathowi'macting mess of joy and heartache and hope it is. And just like my daughter, this is a new phase in my life: The phase where the women around me are having babies.
And shame on me for not before this blog fully appreciating how absolutely sincerely delightful and beautiful it is that I get to be witness to it-- and, honestly, that seeing the beauty of parenthood doesn't have to involve me doing it again.
And to one of these women, the (pregnant-- I didn't mention that, did I?) friend who demanded this sappy horrible god awful blog... you're right. I'm not normally that boring. Don't you kind of wish I was now?
Ohh. There's no emoticons in my blog. Here is hoping this will do. <3
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