Things I Can't Believe They Gave Me

1) A baby.

Seriously. I have answered the question "Does Daddy call you babymommy too?" I wear stilettos and mini-dresses kite flying, when she asked for pink hair when she was 4 I said "that's awesome" before the question was entirely out of her mouth. I ignore cussing if it's in the right context, in private, and in a reasonable voice level. I let her wear the next day's clothing for pajamas because we both enjoy the extra 15 minutes of sleep it affords. We fight over the last Twinkie-- and sometimes I totally win. No one is as shocked as me that I got away with it... the cosmos somehow totally screwed up and gave me a baby.

2) An Apartment.

Clearly, however, not a vacuum, dish soap, Pine Sol, a shoe tree, or any real motivation to use such things if I actually do have them. You may think 'Mold on your dirty dishes' or 'odd smells' would be some sort of 'motivation'. You may indeed... but you would be wrong.

Caring about those things would require some degree of 'Dignity'. What? I just said I wear mini-dresses to go kite flying: Don't act all surprised.

3) The Right to an Education.

I dropped out of interior design school a semester shy of having my license because I went and got myself in a family way. Somehow the universe saw fit however to let me go back to school 6 years later to get what I have always really wanted, a degree in Psychology. And it's true I have not yet gotten myself pregnant by a drunk ND English major (Oh, how I love the English majors...) in the midst of a drinking game called 2 shot Saturday. It's true I have not yet told a professor that I'm actually thinking so far outside of the box that I'm thinking outside of his box, and that's why he doesn't understand me, and that I don't care to write it out in small words right now because PMS reduces my tolerances for salary-earning ignorance.

This doesn't mean, however, that I don't bring Twizzlers to Film Class, leave my MP3 player on for one of my lecture classes on a frighteningly regular basis, start working on 7 page papers the night before they are due as a rule, or blog when I 'm supposed to be doing a 7 page paper the night before it is due.

4) A Computer.

I don't know how they gave someone so irresponsible, impulsive and scatterbrained something like a computer or the Internet. What I do know is that Sephora and Ulta are sooooo glad they did.

I know there are more, these are just the ones that at current... as I place an Ulta order while blogging instead of writing my paper, perched on my counter-top next to a 2 day old half eaten pop-tart and 3 lipstick lids but no lipstick, eating the last of my daughters Halloween candy and wondering just how I can cover my tracks before morning.

Things I have learned today

1)Baby sitters will never never never be an exact science-never. There is a perfectly good reason that we pay them $5 an hour.

2)Neither will napping after ones child has returned from school. Sadly, there will never be $5 an hour for that.

3)I don't actually "like" any piece of clothing that I own (if by "like" what I mean is feel even moderately attractive in). No really... not a single thing.

4)Once you throw lunch dates into the mix, it's difficult to know if you are on date number 2 or date number 3.

5) Once you are a 30 year old in the world of dating, you don't really remember what it is that is supposed to be different between date number 2 and date number 3.

And as I told my friend Courtney earlier-- napping went poorly, I don't like my outfit, but in the end it comes down to a few simple things before venturing out on a Friday night:

6)If I'm going on a date with an extremely attractive man, I've made it 30 years without really regretting any of my tattoos getting a divorce or losing a limb, and I've yet to utterly fail my child, then all I really need is a little eyeliner and a Red Bull and I'm good, baby.

Yeah, that's right... it's the small victories and a simple willingness to be happy with them some days, though regretfully I must admit, that's something I have no doubt I will forget and have to relearn at least a thousand more days to come.