Sad Things 6 Year Olds Say In The Middle Of The Night

"Is it morning yet? Am I going to Daddy's house today?"
"No, you've still got hours. Go back to sleep sweetie"

And she almost did, then suddenly sprang to her feet and threw her nightgown clad tiny frame across the bed to me, wrapping her arms around my neck with almost an adults strength.

"Oh, Mommy, I'm going to miss you so much. And you're so pretty Mommy. Daddy's kind of cooler, but you're just so pretty."

And I told her I loved her and how much I would miss her and how much fun she would have, and then I couldn't resist doing what any self proclaimed cool single mother would do... I gave her a second to get back to the hypnotic half sleep state she had been in previously, then whispered gently that I was wondering why I'm prettier and daddy is cooler.

"Daddy's kind of cool because he doesn't laugh and smile very much and we don't have lots of funny times. That's why you're pretty, because you wear lipstick and you always laugh and play fun silly things with me. And Daddy talks in a fake voice and makes pretend smiles. That's kind of cooler than you, but you're prettier than daddy because your real smile looks so nice and makes me happy, and you smile all the time".

And as suddenly as she had opened her eyes to ask if it was the morning yet a few minutes previous, she promptly closed them and was gone until morning.

And so. After 6 years of wondering just what it was like for her and this man in their brief times together once a month, wondering if maybe on his own he got parenting at all, wondering if I could be sure that I really am a better parent, wondering what he feels, if he feels, wondering if she would ever know that this is where her love comes from... I have an answer.

My daughter knows that her father pretends to enjoy her. I have always known. his parents take good care of him with open hearts and wallets because he's such a good daddy, I have always known that. If his parents had ever decided that they would rather he not raise this child, he would have been long gone, a sigh of relief, nearly immediately. He has to cash in on his parenting rights, but he can't make parenthood something he truly cares about... and now, in some level she doesn't understand yet, my daughter--his daughter--knows that.

She knows that her father pretends to smile at her.

And there is no smug satisfaction, my smart girl is onto you, you little weasel... not even for a moment. There is nothing but sadness, nothing but aching for a human being that doesn't know how beautiful it is to be unable to hide the smile, and for the little girl that one day isn't going to think it's cool anymore that her father is only going through the motions, that there is no real happiness from him for her.