Mind you, I don't drink.

Sometimes, however, I do go out to bars with (sort of) ex boyfriends where I see a past romantic interest that was very very special to me (for reasons I never did and still don't understand) and get a little sad and painfully awkward because I want to talk to him-- and don't want to talk to him. I also see old friends and get a little nervous that they will want to be friends again even though there is no common ground to be found, friends I don't see enough of who recently got married that make my heart feel a million times bigger because they're just such good people, and myself in a nearby mirror kicking my (sort of) ex boyfriends ass in a game of darts.

And, it's sometimes a great way to start my summer vacation, however short of a summer vacation it is. Even if I go home at 11:00 because the sad awkward comes back in waves when I see the man at the other table, even if my soda was a little watered down, even if I didn't like what I played on the jukebox moments after I played it, it's sometimes a little nice just to know that I stepped outside of my little world for a moment to peek in on the rest of the world, the bigger one, the one I sometimes barely remember is out there anymore.

And by sometimes, I mean tonight.

And by a little nice, I mean very.

I wouldn't want to live in my old life, ever again, but I don't regret the past, and don't even particularly want to shut the door on it. A peek and a smile and an "I remember when this was my life" before walking out into the clean August air and back to what I know today, and a tiny pang of gratitude even for all of the mistakes and misgivings and sad little things that made me what I am and brought me to what I know. I'm happy today, I really am, and as such I have to be glad of what Ben Folds would call all the wrong turns and stumbles and falls that brought me here... and I really truly am.

I am glad for all of it.