Overwhelming Realities

I was sick for a week. In the world of a single mother, this is no small statement. I don't have family, I don't have the kinds of friends who can come and take a child for a few hours... "I was sick for a week" means "Too much TV was watched, the cleaning was not done, and I didn't fight with my 6 year old the way I should have about eating her fruits and vegetables".

And then a friend died. This resulted in 2 days of tears that just won't come but in passing bursts of snot and mascara, and that haunting feeling that of course I'll see her one more time to give her a hug, to talk about things, just because you see someone one last time that stands out. I don't remember the last time I saw her, it may have been a couple of Saturdays ago when I did the Macarena with her, but it may have been last Tuesday when I was flustered and didn't give her a hug. And I'm not entirely sure which is the case, and that isn't the way you see someone for a last time. Except that it is, I'm never going to see her again. And it is what it is.

And I start school tomorrow, I don't have any text books, my apartment is a pit, and I don't know what smells in my kitchen but I know something does. A friend, one of those dear ones that you just 'get' and that just gets you and you don't know how you weren't always friends with, referred recently to "living like a depressed child". I entirely understood the sentiment at the time, or I thought I did, but now that I really entirely do I want to go back in time and retract the "Oh my God, I know exactly what you mean" and wait until now, now that I really do.

There are panties on my kitchen counter, my class schedule is scrawled like a suicide note inside of my notebook (there are 5 buildings on my tiny little campus, how do I not know where 3 of my classes are?), I have not gotten any of my text books, I have 3 pieces to finish for an auction I signed on for months ago and am only half done with, and tomorrow I am turning 31 and want nothing more than to curl up fetal position and be reborn no sooner than spring. It's seldom that there's too much for me to deal with... but there's too much for me to deal with right now. This too shall pass, that's what I keep hearing and keep telling myself, but I'm dead on my feel right now, blogging instead of cleaning, and while willing everything to pass quickly, I'm still not even attempting the very basic fix of just for tonight passing out on the cool side of my pillow.

That's how fucking overwhelmed I am-- I can't even go to sleep because I'm too overwhelmed with the thought of waking up to all the same messes in the morning.