Everyone has that one ex boyfriend...

Child free weekends often result in ex boyfriend movie night for me. Not because I want this certain ex back, but because he gets me, I get him, he's comfortable and familiar and has seen me at my absolute worst and loves me anyway. Which isn't to say I'm not friends with a lot of my exes, I am, really. But, this certain ex has become one of my best friends by no small miracle, for the very same reasons we never worked out as a couple to begin with.

But, there are those movie nights, few and far between, when at some point when leaving there's that brush of the arm, the holding hands on the way out the door without really noticing. Muscle memory from long ago coming back to us out of nowhere. And suddenly, eerily naturally, I'll find myself in a kiss. And it's not the easy go with it kisses of dating that make me feel giddy or immediately realize that no, this guy just doesn't work. They're riskier kisses. Not because things get frisky mind you (I may never again live to see the light of a frisky day), not that at all. It's something more like when you quit smoking for a week and then find yourself taking just one hit of a camel wide light. You know what it is, you know it's not what you want and that you've finally put it aside, and that this is riskier business than a casual smokey inhalation... this is temptation.

Or at least, that's what it is for me.

And he's thinking "Oh, I'm kissing Nanda. Kissing Nanda is nice"... if he's thinking at all (I think some people, most people, normal people--probably don't think through kisses to begin with. You know, because they're busy. Kissing) while my mind is racing. He said he loved me but wasn't in love with me. He bails on plans all the time. What's the point in this, we don't work and we're finally better off as friends after years of trying to find that ex balance, does he want to throw that all away? Can I count on him? No, I can't. It would be so easy, and we've both grown up so much since when we were us... no. This is all wrong. I'm past that, I was so unhappy all the time".

And then, the kiss is over and I'm left with my head spinning, reminding myself that I'm not that girl anymore and what it was like, and what's wrong with him, and that I declared on my facebook not three days ago that I "gave the dating world a several month go and absolutely prefer Netflix". And then I'm thinking about dating in general and how when I said I didn't really want to date anymore people said "You have to get back on the horse". Not one, but several people. All I could think, can think, is that no, no I don't. I didn't get thrown from the horse, I decided I didn't like horseback riding-- why would I get back on the horse? I know I don't want dating, I don't want the stress, I'm not interested, and I definitely don't want to date my ex that I'm not really dating.

And, he's already forgotten and is scratching his armpit and trying to play back toe missed part of the movie or find his keys, or maybe laughs and says something about me still being hot and doesn't look back. Because he's not any more interested than I am, a kiss is a kiss, and we used to do so more often and it just kind of happened.

And, I've talked to girlfriends about this several times and know that everyone has one of those ex boyfriends. What I wonder though is if everyone has one of these ex girlfriends...

The one he knows is soooo going to blog it the second she gets home.